I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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