What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
