The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
