im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
