apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
