She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
