God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
