haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
