Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
