Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
