the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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