you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
