Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
