my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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