how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Drunk is not a location!
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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