saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
