maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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