My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
