This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize