U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I am midnight drunk by noon
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
