You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
