i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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