Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
We're like a lot better than the average bears
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
