I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
im calling her cock vulture from now on
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
This baby is an asshole
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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