It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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