He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
