I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
