Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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