I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
