kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
