remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
