I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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