it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
