Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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