Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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