i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
