my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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