Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
