The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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