I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
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