I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize