yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
