gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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