We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
