I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize