Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
