I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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