You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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