Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
True but thats because hes a fetus.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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