I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Pants are for mortals
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
