I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
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