I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
