If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
