whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
