And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
