just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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