hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
