also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
