this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
