Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
