That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
