She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
