Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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