I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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